River: Howlers MC

  River

  Howlers MC

  Book 3

  Amanda Anderson

  Copyright © 2017 by Amanda Anderson

  All rights reserved, except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976. With the exception of quotes used in reviews, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  The unauthorized reproduction or distribution of copyrighted material is illegal. No part of this book may be scanned, uploaded, or distributed via the internet or any means, electronic or print without the publisher’s written permission. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by the FBI and is punishable by up to 5 years in prison and $250,000 in fines.

  http://www.fbi.gov/ipr/

  Please purchase only authorized electronic or print editions and do not participate or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.

  This book is a work of fiction and any similarities to persons living or dead, places, incidents are completely coincidental and not intended by the author. The characters and events are productions of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously.

  The author and publishers acknowledge the trademark status and trademark ownership of all trademarks, service marks, and word marks mentioned in this book.

  The author or publishers have no control over third-party web sites or their content.

  Dear Readers,

  I have never written a book that kept me guessing the way River did. I wrote it and rewrote it so many times that when I read the finished product I was surprised.

  I am pleased with how it turned out and I hope you all love it as much as I do.

  Happy reading and I look forward to hearing from you!

  amandaanderson894@gmail.com

  1

  She hummed as she went about her morning routine of washing her face, dressing in something warm and comfortable before making a modest breakfast of bacon and eggs. Sometimes she added toast, but not this time. That was her choice. She’d had so few in her life and now she seemed to revel in the simplest of choices. They made her feel alive.

  She laughed to herself as she thought about how silly it was to feel proud of herself for deciding not to have toast, but it was a little piece of her power that she had taken back from the monsters of her past.

  A chill skittered up her spine at the thought of her past.

  “You are safe now.” She told herself in a voice that shook from terror so much a part of her she didn’t know if she would ever shake it.

  She had gotten stronger. It wasn’t very often that she allowed the fear to overcome her anymore. She was free of him, all of them. Those blood sucking vampires that drained her until she couldn’t lift her head. Those animals who needed her blood to survive. How many others had she seen brought in, tested, drained? How many had she watched die because they weren’t useful enough?

  Hundreds.

  There had been so many. Young. Innocent.

  She saw their faces in her head. So many faces. Tears, fear, pleading for help that would never come. Eyes filled with desolation when they realized that no help would come. Acceptance as they no longer fought against the devils that held them captive.

  Death had been a mercy, kept too long from those who deserved better.

  She had learned that lesson. Death was not an evil or vile thing, it was a mercy.

  It was, at times, the only option.

  She had been innocent once too. There had been a time when the horrors of her life hadn’t touched her. She couldn’t remember back to before, but she knew that there must have been a time when he life was more than pain and of fear. She heard the songs in her head, a sweet voice, a remembered embrace, but she couldn’t see the faces or recall their names or even her own.

  She pressed her hands to the sides of her head and squeezed her eyes shut.

  Why couldn’t she remember?

  She took deep breaths and tried to make the past disappear again, but it was there in the sickness she felt in her belly and the heaviness she felt in her heart. Today would be tainted with it, but tomorrow would be new again.

  In that was hope.

  She stood at the sink and drank hot coffee as snow began falling outside her window. This was perfect, everything she’d always wanted and it was all hers. She’d escaped hell and nothing mattered more than living each moment, enjoying each moment, breathing in the freedom.

  She still couldn’t believe it sometimes. It was like a dream.

  She wondered what had happened to the man, the guard who had helped her, but she knew he was probably dead, like anyone who had ever tried to make her life better.

  He killed them.

  Even the cook who put extra honey in her tea. He’d killed her and he’d made her watch, to understand that there was no one who could help her.

  She let out a breath and decided to stack some of her firewood on the little front porch so she wouldn’t have to trudge through the snow for it later. The cold would help her put it all away. All the memories. She wouldn’t let them haunt her on such a beautiful morning. She would breathe her air and live her simple life and she would find a way to enjoy her day.

  She looked at her heavy boots that stood by the door and then down at her thin-soled slippers. She should pull the boots on. It wasn’t good to get her feet cold, she could get sick. If she got sick, she wasn’t worth as much… She gritted her teeth against the words that were burned into her brain. So many rules. So many ways she’d been made to live so she would be more useful.

  It was snowing, but she wasn’t going far and the snow wasn’t deep yet. There was no harm in going out in the light snow. She was wearing shoes. She would be fine for just a second, just a quick trip across the yard, maybe two. No need to drag on those heavy boots...but maybe…

  She laughed at herself and shook her head. She was being silly.

  She shrugged on her coat and pulled open her heavy door, it was just made of rough wood, but it had charm and it was sturdy. She didn’t care for fine things anymore, never really had, she liked simple best. Simple and safe were her favorite things now.

  She stepped out onto her porch and froze. There he sat, in her favorite split bottomed rocker.

  Benjamin Rockton.

  The man that had haunted her dreams for twelve years. The man that had been her task master, her torturer, her husband.

  He was dressed in a perfectly pressed suit that she knew had cost more than most people made in a year. His hair was styled perfectly to hide the slight thinning along the crown of his head and his face was tanned just enough to look handsome without looking like he’d actually had any fun.

  He was the picture of elegant business man and he was the devil himself.

  She shook with fear as he stood.

  Ben wasn’t a large man, smaller than average in every way, but it wasn’t his size that made him dangerous. It was the size of his bank accounts.

  “Well, look what I’ve found. Seven months, three weeks and two days. That is how long you have inconvenienced me. That is how long you have disappointed me and even embarrassed me. That is how long you have made my clients suffer and my profits drop.” He shook his head in disappointment. He held out his arms and she took a step back. His thin lips curved in a thin smile at her fear.

  “Hello Dara.”

  She couldn’t speak. She wanted to argue that Dara wasn’t her name, but she couldn’t remember what it really was anymore. She wanted to scream, fight, but she knew he would hurt her if she got too close, she knew the ways he would hurt her, never enough to kill her or waste her precious blood, but enough to immobilize and terrorize.

  She took a step back, but caught movement out of the corner of her eye. He’d brought his guards with him, his dogs. The men who had watched, laughed, cheered him on as he’d tortured her. The men who had stood guard as he’d loaned her out, used her and hurt her more than any person should endure, but oddly, they had also protected her because in this world there were bigger monsters than even Benjamin.

  She’d seen the lust in their eyes though and she knew that in a way, Ben protected her from them too. He’d always told her so and she believed him. It turned her stomach to feel grateful, but she did. He’d always told her that he would allow them to hunt her if she ran away, but that had been a lie. He would never risk her life, she was too valuable.

  She’d gotten away from him and she’d been so careful, but he’d found her. How? How did he always get his way? There shouldn’t have been a trace of her, but he’d found her, just as he’s always promised he would.

  Ben reached for her and she shrank away. Bile boiled in her stomach and something surged inside her. She felt a surge of strength and a cold determination. She would never go back, never. The look in his eyes told her that he thought she was still weak, but he was wrong. Something had happened to her while she’d been free, something she couldn’t explain. He thought she was still weak, but that would cause him to underestimate her. No, she couldn’t fight him and she didn’t know if it was strength or weakness, but she would never go back. There was another escape.

  She would die first.

  She saw him look away and took that second to run. She jumped over the railing of the porch, slipped between two of his guards and into the dense forest. They would track her, she knew it, but it would take time. The cold worked in her favor as did the snow that now fell in heavy sheets.


  She heard cursing and heavy footsteps, but she knew he wouldn’t allow them to chase her in the fur. He didn’t trust them not to kill her. Their animals were too unpredictable and Benjamin, for all his swaggering, was just a man. His money could control men, but it would do little to protect him from the animals housed inside them.

  She ran until her feet ached and cursed herself for not slipping on the heavy boots that had been by her door.

  “Always trust yourself.” She whispered as she felt a rock cut deep into her foot.

  Who had told her that? Why did those words echo so clearly in her ears in times like this? Why did it feel like someone was out there, looking, missing her?

  She shook her head. She had no time for daydreams now.

  No one was out there. No one cared. If they had, they would have found her, but no one had ever come for her. She was alone and she had only herself to depend on.

  She had to escape.

  Trust yourself.

  The words pounded in her head as she took a turn that would lead her into a deeper part of the forest. She’d explored, but not this way and she wasn’t sure where she was going. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered but getting away, no matter what that meant.

  She felt something cut deep into her foot again and had to bite her tongue to keep from crying out. She didn’t dare stop to look at the damage and prayed the blood wouldn’t soak through to leave a trail in the snow. The coppery scent of blood hit her nose and she wanted to cry. If she could smell it, they would have no trouble picking it up, them or the other predators in the forest.

  She forced her legs to move faster as she veered deeper into the forest. She would take a bear over the monsters that chased her, at least it would end her suffering.

  She knew where a deep ravine was, knew that if she could reach it she would throw herself over the edge rather than go back to the hell she had lived for too long, but she needed to go the other way.

  Trust yourself. Keep going.

  The voice kept urging her on until she was lost, everything looked the same and she had no hope of finding her way back again.

  A single tear rolled down her cheek.

  Nothing mattered.

  Time fell away as she ran for her life, ran from the monsters that had filled her life for too long. Ran from the fear of never seeing another day. Ran from the pain of losing the only freedom she’d ever known.

  The days were shorter, if she could last until dark…

  2

  River sat with his ass on an old log and stared at the sputtering fire. He didn’t need the warmth and the animals around him smelled his monster so he didn’t really need the fire to keep them at bay, but he felt a drive to build it.

  “Losing my fucking mind.” He mumbled and kicked at a stick that was lying in the snow. “Losing everything.” He ran both hands through his hair and looked at his finger. The mark where the needle had pricked him was gone, but it still ached at times.

  He was living on borrowed time and he knew it.

  “One mistake. One fucking mistake! Why the fuck can’t I get a break? What do I have to do to get a fucking break?”

  He kicked a stick and the fire jumped and sparked like a living thing and it took his mind off what his life had become. He hated the choices he had to make, but they were his. Crawl to a man he hated and live or do nothing and die and agonizing death.

  He was leaning toward death.

  He thought back to the father that had left him so long ago. It had been after an especially brutal battle between the man and River’s mother. River hadn’t been able to control his change. He’d seen it all through the eyes of his wolf.

  His mother had flown across the room, just blasted more than twenty feet and crumpled to the floor. River had ripped into the man that he had no hope of beating, but his wolf had lost his mind.

  “Look at you. A monster just like your old man.” Driskell spat on the plank floor as he’d kicked his son away like a stray dog.

  River felt shame burn through him. He hated his wolf. Hated that he was too big and too mean. He hated that he was like his father’s.

  Rage fueled his wolf and he attacked, but Driskell just laughed and swatted him away. “Change back now.” he snarled, but River knew something Driskell didn’t. He wasn’t River’s alpha. An alpha had to be respected and River hated his father.

  “Come here baby.” He heard his mother call. Her voice was so weak, but her call to him was so strong. It made no sense, but his mother, a human, was his alpha and she always had been, because to River, love meant more than brute force. There was a strength in his mother’s constant love that was far stronger than the meanness in Driskell.

  She ran her shaking fingers through his fur and he felt sorrow so deep that his wolf let out a long, mournful howl.

  “Oh, my sweet baby boy.” She whispered as pink foam bubbled from her lips. “I love you more than sunshine, more than rain… more than my whole life. I love your wolf too. Promise…. promise me that you will too…Love him. No one can be whole without love...love can...save… him… promise me...”

  He shook his head hard. He saw what a monster like him could do in the blood that dripped from the new battle scar across his mother’s face. It would scar her. She didn’t have their ability to heal. She would be marked forever by one careless act. One moment. One slip of control and she would see it every day in the mirror.

  “Let me see my boy? I want to see his face.” She whispered and he felt his wolf sink into him and he was just a scared little boy again.

  “Make him go mama. Make him leave.” He begged, but it wasn’t the first time. “I will promise if you make him leave us alone. I will promise if I never have to see him again.”

  He watched a tear slip from the corner of her eye to run down into her ear. “We can’t stop loving just because we get a little hurt. He doesn’t mean to…he’s a monster...my love isn’t strong enough… I tried so hard...His monster is too strong for me...breaks me apart...I’m not strong enough. I can’t love him the way he needs me to.”

  Then he was there, kneeling beside them, fear rolling off him in waves that sickened River.

  “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Sky look at me now. Look at me my beautiful Sky.” Driskell ran a hand over her raven’s wing hair. “I love you. I swear I’ll do better. Stay with me now. Stay with me. You are all that matters. Fight Sky. stay with me.”

  River shook with rage as he watched his father lift his mother into his arms. He felt so small and useless. Why couldn’t he grow faster so he could protect her?

  Why couldn’t he have protected her?

  River let out a long breath as he shoved the memory away. Driskell had taken mama away that night. For three days River had wondered what had happened, he’d worried. For three days he’d lived alone in that house and tried not to look at the blood on the floor.

  He’d been five years old.

  Driskell had brought mama back and ruffled River’s hair on his way out the door. It was the last time River had ever seen him, but he knew mama saw him. He knew it when her belly swelled with a baby girl, he knew when he saw bruises and heard her cry.

  He’d known it when he’d fought with her that last day. He’d known it when he’d decided to leave, but he’d still gone.

  Knowing made him hate the man more.

  Mama was precious. Mama was fragile.

  Too fragile to be around monsters, but she’d been strong too. Strong enough to live for almost ten more years.

  Bile rose in River’s throat. He couldn’t stand the thought of it.

  Because he hadn’t been there. He’d decided to leave, but he’d changed his mind and gone back, too late to save mama and too late to save his sister.

  They’d died and it had been his fault.

  If he’d only been there.

  The fire popped and danced as he tried not to lose the contents of his stomach. His wolf wanted out, wanted to run from the guilt and the grief.

  He’d let her down, but not just mama. He’d let his sister down too.

  He stood and paced the clearing he’d chosen to camp in. He loved his pack, his club, but he needed to sort this out on his own. They had all come to him, all wanted to help in some way, but there was nothing they could do for him.